Who says martial arts isn’t for people like me? 

Lee So

I get to meet many different people while practicing Kendo. We continue our relationship if they continue practicing Kendo, but if they quit, our relationship ends. Whenever they quit, they all come up with different excuses; some complain kendo is too hard, that they didn’t expect something too difficult, some say they got blisters on their hands, some say kendo is too boring, some say they changed jobs and now the kendo dojo became too far from their work. Sometimes I feel bitter, thinking that it seems so easy to quit things rather than to hold on to them. Well maybe I’m one of them too, since I always have excuses to quit things; I don’t want to work anymore, I don’t like my boss, and so on.

“I’m too scared to hit anyone. 

This is the reason one person told me when he was quitting kendo. This person, a kendo beginner, told me he was too scared to hit someone, not to be hit by someone. In kendo, you’re only allowed to strike some specific areas, which are head, wrists, lower back, and center of neck and since you wear protective gear, you don’t feel any pain even though you get hit with the bamboo sword, but he kept saying the same thing, so I couldn’t really get his point back then. I used to think that martial arts is about taking out that aggression from inside of yourself, so I even told this to some of the kendo beginners that it is fine to be aggressive when striking with your bamboo sword as long as you and your opponent are wearing protective gears, but his point of view seemed to be totally different.

“Try to think of me as your boss you hate when you’re swinging your sword. I bet you would want to hit me harder.”

As much as there are people scared to be hit by others, some people are scared to hit others. If you’re the type of person who can’t hit others, you’ll feel like kendo isn’t for you. Maybe that’s why he decided to quit. Then I ended up thinking about myself.

What about me? I’ve been practicing kendo for more than 10 years and do I fit martial arts? My answer would be NO. 

Only if I could choose to be the type of brave and strong person 

“Just go for it!”

Whenever there are kendo competitions for amateurs on weekends, many kendo practitioners participate. In those decisive breathtaking moments during the match, you make a big shout, attacking your opponent’s weak spot with all your might. That’s what most of the players do, but I’m not one of them. I feel too timid and shy I can’t even dare to shout. I don’t even feel motivated to win. For the past ten years of practicing kendo, there were numerous moments I wanted to hide, run away, or quit, but here I am, never giving up.

Well, there are some rare moments that I feel brave and courageous, but still, I guess my week spots would never get better. Recently I participated in a competition and with my teammates, and unfortunately I ended up screwing up. We were clearly winning at first, but our opponent team turned it around and beat us. I was too nervous during the match and couldn’t even remember our score, lost my focus, and faltered. I was a complete mess. I felt so sorry for my teammates, and I felt like I ruined and wasted their weekend. They comforted me saying that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. I felt so thankful to have such teammates, but I couldn’t help hating myself. Why can’t I just take out that my courage, just one scoop more?

When I first decided to start kendo, I envisioned myself becoming stronger, no longer feeling afraid or scared, but in reality, it never happened. So there I was again, feeling afraid and scared as always. My kendo master used to tell me that I don’t have the nerve enough, and I admit that too. I know that I’m not the type of a strong and courageous person, although I wish I could be like one of them. I even tried to mimic, but it only made me feel awkward, since I wasn’t being myself. Whenever I see those confident and jubilant practitioners becoming better than me at kendo even though they started later than me, I feel like maybe this is something you just have to be born with, that it isn’t something that gets better just because you practice. So whenever I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I become so frustrated and discouraged, I tell myself that maybe I should just quit and go back to my comfort zone, trying to justify that quitting is the answer.

If you can’t do it, let your body do it

But still, I haven’t quit, no matter how afraid or scared I was. Not because every single moments were full of joy or confidence, but because still I wanted to confront myself and that’s why I have been practicing kendo for over ten years. Just because I’m not one of those audacious people, that doesn’t mean that I have to run away every time. I choose to be the kind of the people who hang on “EVEN THOUGH” scared. The good thing is that sometimes my body remembers the movements although my mind gets scared. I did experience those moments, for example when I passed the test for dan 5 after failing for 2.5 years, when I won in the kendo competition in our city and won the prize, when I won the match with a head strike after being reluctant and afraid of being hit by the opponent, and so on. Those moments are rare, and that’s why they’re so precious. And I have my kendo masters who are always there for me to support me. 

“Keep up the good work. You don’t have to give up just because you feel scared. Even though you make the head strike only once a year, still it’s worth to continue. If you just keep going, one day you’ll notice you made it ten times a year. That’s how you make progress and make yourself stronger, not only your body but also your mind.” 

I sometimes write a long log about my kendo practicing. One thing for sure is that it is worth to keep practicing for myself, after all. Sometimes I feel uplifted but the next day I simply have no motivation to move on. My mind doesn’t have the courage as much as body needs, but I know that I am going to feel courageous in some days to come, although not every day. Wouldn’t that be thrilling, one day to meet the stronger version of yourself? One day you found out you’re finally slowly starting to become the person you always wanted to be!

These days I walk to my kendo dojo instead of taking a bus so that I can exercise more, and walking helps me to organize my thoughts, for example to come up with the to-do list for that day, what goals to achieve that day, and this is what we call an image training, something that professional kendo practitioners do. And you even feel invincible when you listen to those upbeat K-pop Idol music with your earphones while walking!

So that was the story about my kendo practicing. I have my weak spots and I know I’m not always full of confidence and courage, but I have reasons to continue and I am going to try whether I’m scared or not. I hope we can all keep up the good work of practicing, regardless of who we are.

※ Views in this writing are the author's own.